Jason Collins comes out of the closet. Suffice to say, I don’t fucking care. You see, sports are a way for those of us beaten down by life to escape crap like this. Have I ever wondered if players were gay? No, I haven’t. And now that you’ve made me think about it, I’m angry. Not because you are gay, but because I don’t fucking care. All I care about is the game. After that, whatever you do with your time is on you. I don’t read about your life after the game, nor would I want anyone to spend time writing or reporting on such things.

Sports, just talk about sports. Tell me that you need to go out there and make some plays, and give 110%. That’s about it. As a matter of fact, there really hasn’t been a new sports interview since the post game interview of 1910. If it were up to me, they would just end the telecast, cut to the news, and Bob’s your uncle. Most of these guys have enough trouble forming complete sentences as it is. Now for the next six months every player from every sport is going to put their two-cents in on this stupid hot-button topic. Great. What’s next, Korea? I can see it now, “How do you fell Pyongyang is handling the current tensions with South Korea, and do you think that last technical foul really hurt your team?”

Stop it, just stop it right now. There aren’t many things left in this world for us to cling onto anymore with zeal and happiness. Sports is a refuge from life. Please keep your life out of sports. If your gay, good for you. If your not, good for you. Either way, it has NO bearing on the game you play. And, if it does, then you should find the nearest exit.

If your bursting at the seams with gay, then quit the game. Go write a book or something. You are paid to dribble a basketball and throw it into a hoop. Almost everything outside of that should be keep where it was, outside of that.

You see folks, the unthinkable almost happened. Too big to fail nearly did, and will likely do it again. Suffice to say, no one seems to care. Largely due to all the much more important distractions in life, like Justin Bieber apparently.

If you don’t know what Quantitative Easing is I’m not surprised but, fuck. If you want to know, google it. You really don’t need to know because I can illustrate it like this.

Imagine you took NASA, told them to throw everything they had away. All the rockets, suits, computers, everything. Then make them start from scratch with the goal of going to the moon. No fancy computers, or iPhones. Just a pencil and a protractor. Then after you have gone to the moon 7 times, plus a whole bunch of tests, take everything you made and throw it away. Fire everyone and start all over. Do that 16 times and you would have spent the same amount the U.S. Federal Reserve has spent from 2008 to 2013 to keep us from financial disaster.

Why the moon you ask? Well because I can’t think of anything else we have done in this country that was more bad-ass and expensive. Adjusted for inflation it cost the taxpayer, approximately 198 Billion dollars to go to the Moon. That’s all. That’s less than the cost to bail out ONE bank in 2008.

Quantitative Easing, or “QE” is not what it costs to run the country, like operating jets and aircraft carriers and food-stamps for a-holes. This is what it costs to keep banks from saying, fuck-it and closing their doors with your money in it. This is the cost to keep you complaining about who’s dancing and/or singing was better on that show you fill your idle time with. This is what it costs to keep you from breaking in your neighbors door after 6 solid months with no job, money (not currency), food, water, power, police, gasoline, and every other luxury we take for granted.

I would do something but I’m flat broke.

1966–1972 Cost to go to the FUCKING MOON from scratch: 198 Billion (adjusted for inflation to 2012)

2008–2013 Cost to keep the U.S./World banking system from collapse: 3.2 Trillion

So you managed to get 502 passed, that is pretty amazing?

Yea man, 502, legalized it, hell yea.

What hurdles did your organization face in getting 501 passed?

Well uh, there was quiet a few, it was like hard and stuff,  we had to stand outside WalMart for like 2 hours and get signatures. Then we had to get up everyday by 9 and make phone calls and stuff.

Can you give me any idea of the political obstacles you faced when getting the ballot together?

Like, they just don’t  understand, so we had to sit down and say “Look bro, its all good, just legalize it man.” But they were like, “no we can’t just do that” and stuff, they said we have to get it made a law. We’re all like,” s0 make it a law,” they started laying down all these papers and forms and we’re all like “whoa man”.

Despite this you guys managed to pull it together.

Yea man, we called up this lawyer dude and asked him if he would help, he said he would if we hooked him up.

So you paid your lawyer with weed?

No, he said he would do it pro-boner and that it would be cool if we tossed in an ounce.

So he did it pro-Bono?

Yea pro-boner

Gotcha, did you have any political rallies or party meetings while organization the initiative?

Totally, we met up down at the capitol and blew theirs minds with the power of peace and love. We met up there and all toked up down on the lawn and they were all like “no way!”

Whose they?

The man, with his suits and tie on, they just don’t know.

Don’t know what?

What do you mean?

What don’t they know?

Who?

The man with the suit.

What man are you talking about bro?

I was asking what…never mind, next question.  Are you worried about the Federal Government blocking legalization at the state level?

Yea, those Narcs are serious, bro. They like want us to all be like robots. They are always watching us with satellites and camera’s, its fucked up.

So you think they will block legalization?

Who?

The Federal Government?

BOOOOO

What are you booing for?

The federal government, BOOOO

.……

.….…what are you staring at me for man.

.….…

Stop it bro, you’re freaking me out.

Why are you eyes so red?

I have glaucoma man, they get red sometimes.

Are you high right now?

Maybe

Did you even know what we’re talking about?

Voting, and the government or some shit.

I think we’re done here

Good, because I’m so thirsty.

The Ravens managed to get Ray back in time for the playoff’s and ignited the team into an emotionally charge playoff performance, upsetting both the Bronco’s and the Patriots in their respective home fields. Lewis has been instrumental in the team’s performance and has show a miraculous recovery from a career ending injury to his right stabbin arm, an injury that has also forced Ray to announce his retirement at the end of the year. “I just can’t do it anymore” said Lewis, “can’t play football if my arm doesn’t have its full range of motion, the shiv I use during the games has to be jabbed in a certain way, and with this injury I just can’t shank a bitch like I used to.”

Team doctors have done all they could to get Lewis back up to form, creating a cybernetic artificial arm for Lewis to wear in the game. “Ever seen Terminator 2, when he cuts off his skin?” asked team doctor’s “it’s just like that, we created an artificial arm that Ray can wear and made it look like a brace, but its really living tissue over a metal endoskeleton.”

Ray has been seen wearing the robotic monstrosity during the games and has been able to use the arm and it’s hidden retractable shiv to be a deciding factor during the playoff’s. The Ravens hope to  carry that momentum into the Super Bowl and send Lewis off to his retirement with a Super Bowl win and not one but two possible homicides.

Possibly.…maybe.….most likely not.

Since we’re making up our own logic when it comes to the senseless deaths of innocent children I put forth a better theory.

This was a conspiracy constructed by weapons manufactures. Lets think about it.  Since these shootings have taken place, go to your local gun store and try to buy any type of weapon. It will take you two weeks to get your background checks approved due to the back log. Try and buy ammunition, especially any kind of assault rifle ammunition, the shelves are bone dry. Try and buy an assault rifle and you are completely shit out of luck, they are sold out of them, sales have never been higher.

I put forth this gem of a conspiracy, weapons and ammunition manufactures staged the Sandy Hook shootings so they could drive up sales. Why now? Well the wars are dying off, we are beginning to withdraw from Afghanistan, Iraq is quiet and they need to find a new market to sell too. Who better than the American public? Especially a public that already distrusts its own government, with a large majority of the public thinking Obama is the anti-Christ.

In fact I’m going to take it a step further and peel the onion layers back even more. Not only was this orchestrated by these corporations, but these corporations are being run by some dark entity that seeks to overthrow the United States Government. How does this entity intend to do this? By driving the American public into such a stage of paranoia and fear that the country will eventually tear itself apart.

If you doubt the logic in my arguments, then you Sandy Hook conspiracy theorists should look at your own theories. My logic is actually more sound, my dots connect quicker. It makes more sense for corporate interests, especially defense corporations, to stage such a horrific massacre then it does the U.S. government.

Corporations do not seek to protect the public welfare, in fact they exploit it. Does McDonald’s care if its Big Mac’s give you high cholesterol, does Ford care if its brakes have a 1 in 10 chance of failing? They only care if it effects their bottom line. Corporations care about money, and following this massacre who has benefited more financially then weapons and ammunition manufactures.

See I can make up shit too and make it sound legit.

In honor of the inauguration and Dr. King, here is an updated excerpt from his famous speech:

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow duplexes and foreclosed homes. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for a quality of life has left you broke by the storms of greed and staggered by the winds of political corruption and bureaucratic inefficiency. You have been the veterans of foreign wars and economic downturn. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is only for the poor.

Go back to California, go back to Alabama, go back to Michigan, go back to Texas, go back to Florida, go back to the slums and suburbs of all our cities, knowing that somehow this situation will go unchanged. Let us wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness”

I have a dream that one day a family can work 40 hours a week and make ends meet.

I have a dream that one day the average wage earner is not disproportionally disadvantaged to those who have so much.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be forced into lifelong debt in the pursuit of higher education, home ownership or even to put food on the table. 

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, the government of the United States will fulfill its duty to serve as a government for the people, and by the people. A government that protects the jobs of the American worker, a government that lets people make its own decisions, a government that is ruled by public not corporate servants.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every law will make sense, every budget will be balanced and every politician and corporate executive will be held to the same standard as the average American.

I have a dream today.

TAP OUT

I wake every morning after a night of extreme training, a crushing regimen of MMA television, Monster Energy Drinks and Extreme Nacho Cheese Doritos and wonder if I will be able to contain my raw power from those around me. If there was only some way to let everybody know that what I see on TV has somehow transformed my fists into deadly tools of destruction.

TAP OUT

People may think that my size is all fat, but I would quick to remind that that underneath this wide girth is a mass of fast twitch muscle fiber waiting to explode. I feel I need to find a symbol, a label to warn people that I am not to be trifled with, not to be taken lightly, if only I could find something that I could wear.

TAP OUT

Maybe a shirt, or a hat, something to let the public know that this man is  raw badassery in its truest form. It would need to be stylish, maybe something that matches the barbwire and tribal tattoos that adorn my arms. A design so awe inspiring that people stop and take notice and move aside as I come down the hall.

TAP OUT

I only hope that I can find something before its too late, before I have another person snicker as waddle down the hall. I don’t know how many more times I can avoid unleashing hell on the gawkers and naysayers. I only hope that such an item comes in black, so I can hide the sweat that pours from my body during the day. My body is so finely tuned that it sweats at the simplest of tasks, I think some mistake it for poor health, but I need a symbol to remind them that I sweat because of the fury that boils beneath my skin.

TAP OUT

She ducked by me and blamed it on jeans,
and no left turns cause she was the green,
in the blink of an eye I knew her number and her name,
she said I was the tightest she won’t it te’tane.

Gary Busey,
now were sharing this ice cream,
and our farts they’ll sink as one,
no more love on the rug.

I lose my cool when she steps in the room,
and I get so excited just from her rear view
electric eyes that you can’t ignore,
and passion burns you like never before,

I was in Cirque have a good time,
just running my game, yea,
love was the furthest, furthest from my mind, yea.

Gary Busey,
now were sharing this ice cream,
and our farts they’ll be there one,
no more love on the rug.

Gary Busey,
now were sharing this ice cream,
and our farts they’ll sink as one,
no more love on the rug.

Gary Busey,
now were sharing this ice cream,
and our farts they’ll sink as one,
no more love on the rug.

Gary Busey,
now were sharing this ice cream,
and our farts they’ll sink as one,
no more love on the rug.

Cheese and cream, my Gary Busey ya.

Since I don’t live in a colorfully animated utopia where Prius’ tailgate each other into the sunset — I would go with the second choice. Seems to scare the shit out of the deer in the beginning anyway.

Go ahead, take a fucking knee.