Super Tuesday has left the GOP still without a clear front runner and leaders inside the party have decided its time to take drastic measures to determine a candidate. “We have had an emergency meeting and come to a swift conclusion on how to the end this matter” said GOP spokesmen “two of them must die”. They set forth a bold plan to enter the top three candidates into a death match at the famed Superdome in the Australian Outback. “Three men enter, one man leave”
The match is set to take place sometime in March and will be featured on all major news outlets, tickets are expected to be on-sale next week but will be restricted to top political leaders, aboriginal tribes and marauding raiders. Romney, Gingrich and Santorum will most likely be the invited candidates although Ron Paul may be allow to ride atop of Santorum’s back and direct his movements.
The match is expected to be as brutal as any debate or primary to date. Gingrich is the heavily favored candidate as he has killed over 100 men with his bare hands in matches before. He is known for his fierce determination and usually shows up to battles shirtless with his iron mask covering his disfigured face. He will mostly likely give both candidates a chance to save themselves by asking them to “just walk away”.
Although usually quiet and weaker than his opponents, Romney can usually improvise a death blow at last minute in these matches. He does have the option to attack candidates with his finances and negative advertising. He may use both in the match by defecating on photos of the candiates causing a distraction, while Super-PAC’s in the audiance pelt the opponents with change and bricks of cash.
If Santorum agrees to a Ron Paul symbiotic relationship then an unpredictable beast known as the Rontorum will make the match unique and exciting. The Rontorum is only known from legend, where it was spoken of in times of chaos, from the long long ago. It was said to have been created after a great war over the juice and killed many men.